April 1, 01:04 AM CST
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Cold-Hardy Coconut Palm Shipment foiled by Martha Stuart
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By Ema Dreeman
Associated Press Writer

PECOS, Texas. (AP) -- Imagine building a snowman under a coconut tree, that dream may soon become a reality thanks to Researchers at Texas A&M University. Professor Crataegus, head of the Horticultural Genetics Department, may have unlocked the key through a recently discovered bacteria found to infect the coconut palm tree (Coco nucifera), and a mundane while quite hardy palm, Chinese Windmill palm (Trachycarpus fortunei).
By using these bacteria the researchers were able to perform a technique known as enzyme restriction, where they target and cut the DNA related to hardiness on the hardier palm and join it to the DNA in the tropical palm, thereby making a hardy coconut palm. It is estimated the genetically modified coconut palms would be able to tolerate temperatures in the low teens.
The only downside to the modified palms is the incredible rate of growth. Palms created just two years ago at the project inception are already 10 feet tall and loaded with fruit (Coconuts). Professor Crataefus had little idea why they grow so fast other than saying; “Damn, son, this is Texas, everything is bigger here!â€

This was made possible by prior research undertook at Rutgers University into the marker genes on both species. By finding equivalent markers relating to hardiness in both species a cut and paste technique was used, through which bacteria made the inter species gene swap a possibility. As Professor Crataegus states; “they tag, I cut and paste, it’s really very simple anyone could do it; if they were a friggin’ genius like me!â€

However, Rutgers University and Professor I. Deeditfurst, who oversaw the gene marking, have both filed a lawsuit alleging patent infringement. A Circuit Judge in the Eastern District of New York has granted a temporary injunction prohibiting Professor Crataegus’ and Texas A&M’s efforts.

It’s a “damn shameâ€, says Professor Crataegus’, “the University was going to license the patent to Wal-mart for growing and marketing hardy coconuts this summer, and now some second rate school teacher in New York is going to keep these plants out of the hands of northerners who could really use a Piña Colada.â€

A spokesman for Wal-Mart confirmed they had indeed signed a deal with Texas A&M to distribute these palm trees, “We were going to OWN the Tropical Garden Look market this summer, by selling these beauties for $5.99 each.†An industry market research analyst with Merrill Lynch believes Wal-Mart could have sold over a million of the palms this year alone.

Rumor has it, that Rutgers was getting close to creating their own hardy coconut palm using the same technique. Furthermore, Rutgers recently signed a deal with Martha Stewart’s Omnimedia Inc., the company had planned to sell the palms through K-mart/Sears. Martha Stewart refused to comment other than stating, “the tropical look is a good thing.â€

Texas A&M’s profits from the licenses were earmarked to pay for a new water polo aquatic center, on which construction has halted. In a recent match between A&M and Rutgers, at A&M’s “Swimmin’ hole (a converted water trough), Joe-Bob McKill, an A&M Aggie-senior and captain for the team allegedly bit the ear off a rival Rutgers’s participant. Joe-Bob offered this post match comment, â€alleged, hell, I ate the damn ear, those *@!%&s are depriving Eskimos of their coconuts and the Great State of Texas the world class water polo facility it deserves.

Unnamed sources have confirmed that, Martha is calling on her old colleagues at Danbury Women’s Facility, “to teach Joe-Bob some “etiquette.â€

Meanwhile, palm tree fanatics in the frozen wastelands of Seattle, Washington, have taken to throwing large pots of daffodils into the windows of neighborhood K-marts, while screaming “I WANT MY PALM – MARTHA.†One Renton man identified as "JB" was found sobbing uncontrollably at the scene sputtering, "I need one, it's just not fair!"

Wal-Mart has announced that they will still offer “hardy coconut palms this summer regardless of the injunction. “You see, this gene modification is really unnecessary, all you really need to do is change the labels and the customer will buy it, they’re really not too smart,’ stated the spokesperson. When asked about the exchange policy on the coconut palm tree without the modified hardiness gene, the spokesperson said, “we offer an unlimited, 0 second curbside warranty.â€

© 2005 4/1 (JB) This is not really an Associated Press story.

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